The Baby Sue's Slobbers
by I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Summary: A hideously special Sue's endless slobbering along the rosy cheeks of a canon male character doesn't always make for an entertaining yarn. People with skin so thin they can't handle a brazen parody which comically points out numerous undeniable truths can continue being mad.


I don't own any Ben 10 characters, nor do I claim. Let us finish our current merrymaking spree on a high note. Or perhaps, a low one.

"Don't wander aimlessly within the Null Void and go out of my fanatical sight, my perpetually scream-sobbing author self-importance reaffirming abominations! YOU WILL BE KILL BY PLOT DEVICES," D'Void cried to his butt-hugging infernal baby Sues.

They jumped up and furiously lavished his handsome visage with their stinking tongues, slathering his absurd conventional attractiveness within a fetid, viscous, yellow-green goo.

"Go to your comically existent specially designed human baby cribs and be in a time out," he ordered. "You annoying little brats! I've had it up to HERE with you and your endless tormenting noise!"

The shrieking nightmares turned upon him in unrestrained rage and spat torrents of stinking venomous bile into his eyes.

"Ow! That hurt a lot," he said as he wiped his burning half-blind eyes. "But I shall instantly forgive you, for you are so gosh darned adorable and I love you dearly with every single atom I currently possess. Even though you aren't. And I don't."

A sudden onset of INEXPLICABLE MYSTERIOUSLY UNNAMED PLOT RELATED ILLNESS stuck poor D'Void where he stood. He wavered. He placed a hand to his forehead.

"Oh, dear. I am fallen ill yet again! Now I shall die," he whimpered before collapsing. "Yet again. For the hundred thousandth time." He pondered for a long moment as his bowels released upon his not to be final demise. "It's not so bad. I'm desensitized."

Finally, he was free of his torment. For another fifteen seconds.

THE END!

Only not.

* * *

Epilogue...

(Miles away, in another galaxy)

A hunched figure sat within near darkness furiously typing away at a keyboard, their figure illuminated by the dim light of a PC monitor. Their eyes fell upon the latest fanfiction offerings of their current inexplicably underwear fetish based yaoi anime stereotyped shallow obsession. They finished uploading their latest masterpiece to the site which was wholly unworthy of their genius intellect and literary mastery. But they constantly used it anyhow.

"This latest ridiculously brief account of out of character torturous sobbing until death and beyond starring my awesome and unique Mary Sues that are completely better than all the other idiotic Mary Sues available in this fandom will show those stupid plebeians just who is the greatest writer and fan to have ever existed in this fandom, ever! Ya ha ha ha!" the figure cackled. "Hint, IT'S ME! Even though I know nothing about this show I just got into like a fucking month ago thanks to a shitty crossover with an old ex-fandom of mine. It's not as if any of these morons will figure that out based on my huge trail of evidence, however. They're all a bunch of complete idiots!"

They squinted, an unfamiliar sight catching their glistening bloodshot eye. They leaned in for closer inspection.

"What is this on the front page? Oh joy of joys! Someone is also writing about my favorite obsessive weeabooism based ukefied piece of long haired white dick!"

They clicked upon a link and perused the story. Their mouth curled into the most infuriated of grimaces.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?" they squawked just like V.V. Argost back in his heydays of his own terrible popularity.

An explosive roar came from the figure's impossibly wide stretched mouth.

"WHO DARES WRITE SUCH DISGUSTINGLY OUT OF CHARACTER FANFICTION OF MY FICTIONAL BOYFRIEND!"

After sobbing hysterically in their underwear for fifteen hours, they grabbed the nearest cellphone and dialed in a number.

"I am calling the INTERNET POLICE to come arrest these these repugnant ignorant fiends! Hello, INTERNET POLICE? I am calling to report EVIL TROLLS who are RUINING THE FANDOM with their STUPID FANFICTION MOCKERY GARBAGE that they have no right to continue writing because it makes my FAVORITE CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE WHITE MALE CHARACTER(s) look like absolute idiots! Such a MADDENINGLY OFFENSIVE MISCHARACTERIZATION cannot continue, for it offends my delicate sensibilities. Come and arrest them right away. I can assure you, they DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CANON, NOR ITS CHARACTERS. They have NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES! They do not own countless amounts of merchandise not wholly purchased upon a whim on eBay years after the printings ended. They do not spend countless hours of their day having in-depth discussions of more than how hot the current favorite white haired character is when he falls down and sobs hysterically in his underwear while being tortured and tragically separated from his COMPLETELY CREATIVE, WELL THOUGHT, AND UNIQUELY DESIGNED ugly Mary Sue baby monsters after they are tragically killed or die of a mysterious unknown illness in ridiculously boring, incomprehensible, and unintentionally hilarious series of fanfictions. They have no right to even be in the fandom at all, those SHALLOW POSERS!"

The INTERNET POLICE said they'd be there right away, Ma'am.

(Elsewhere)

There came a knock upon the door of a one Mr. NoPants. He rose up from his armchair and wandered to the door. Upon opening it, he was greeting by the site of two musclebound, mustachioed, stereotypical looking angry 1970s cops.

"Sir, we're here to investigate a TROLLING! The poster's IP address originated from upstairs. We're gonna have to do a search."

"Oh, my. Well, since I don't know how police work and can't be bothered to care, I'll let you get to your job without a warrant," Mr. NoPants said. He moved aside.

The cops pulled out their tasers and batons and charged up the stairs. They reached a bedroom door and threw their shoulders upon it until it gave way.

"INTERNET POLICE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR WRITING STUPID FANFICTION THAT MADE ANOTHER PERSON IN THE FANDOM REALLY FUCKING MAD!"

"Oh my goodness!" I screamed, startled further beyond all comprehensive thought and motor skill. "The Internet Police!"

The INTERNET POLICE grabbed me. They threw me down upon the ground where I sobbed hysterically for other viewers to get terribly aroused by. They placed their knees on the back of my delicate neck. They wrenched up my arms behind my back and threw on a set of painfully restrictive handcuffs.

"WE'RE NOT GOING TO READ YOU ANY RIGHTS BECAUSE SCUM LIKE YOU DOESN'T HAVE ANY, AND NEVER SHOULD!"

And so I was escorted to a police station jail cell place, only I ended up getting dragged downstairs to the dungeon which they had in the police station. There, I was thrown into an even darker, colder, dirtier cell. The door slammed shut upon me.

After that, I was chained to a wall. Pipes were there that let the floor be flooded by sewage water. And a bunch of piranhas were set loose into it. And some torches were lit on fire around the place. And a lion was also chained to the opposite wall where it could almost slash at me with its huge claws, but not quite. But it was very scary. And there was also a pipe that dripped water onto my head, ala Chinese water torture. And a radio was placed nearby which belted out gospel and country music, both of which drove me violently to tears of loathing. And a television was placed before me. That eye thing like in Clockwork Orange was put on my eyes so they couldn't be closed, and I was forced to watch alternating channels which played only The View, Fox News, Jerry Springer, Disney Channel, and Johnny Test, 24/7.

"I regret my entire life up to this point! And I regret my life at this current point even more than I regret my prior life up to this point!" I cried. "Oh, why, why, why did I make the incredibly foolish decision to mock Ben 10 and all its many characters with my pointless nonsensical drivel! I don't even watch that show! I don't even like a single character on that entire series! What possessed my warped little mind to do such a thing?" I screamed while sobbing.

* * *

Alternative Epilogue...

"And she eventually got sick from an unspecified illness that might have been sepsis from the open cuts and sewage she got all over her feet, but we're not gonna bother to take time and explain anything because it's stupid and pointless. Like the sloppy, out of character, freakishly tearful, fluffy goo-goo ga-ga, stupid *Y-A-O-I* relationship between the mighty Ishiyama and Kenko the Shapshifter. And...there. Done!"

Ben threw his head back and laughed triumphantly before closing Gwen's laptop.

"Let's see how they like this work of art!"

"BEN!"

"Uh oh." Ben turned to see his red faced cousin with a secondary laptop clutched in her trembling hands.

"I knew it had to be you!"

"Me? What now?" Ben feigned complete and utter innocence as he leaned back in his chair. "I didn't do anything."

Gwen faced the screen toward him, revealing the open page, displaying the latest rambling derogatory troll fanfiction posted to the Sumo Slammers section of RadFictionDotNet. As usual, it had been posted by a mysterious user, suspiciously named "KENKOxISHIYAMA4evurYaOiRoXxoRzMYBIGBUTT69.

"Oh, really?" Gwen fumed. "So you just happened to be on the spare laptop when that one mysterious troll who loves making fun of everyone, including a one LadyBezel95's Sumo Slammers fanfiction, showed up with yet ANOTHER idiotic and suspiciously similar plotted mockery fanfiction, only which always ends with the Kenko or the author getting ruthlessly tortured until death, getting hit by a bus, or dying of some random stupid unknown instant death causing illness. And it had been clearly uploaded not but 1MINUTE ago! But you didn't do it?" She glared at him with a clearly deep boiling rage.

"Nope. Not me," Ben reaffirmed. "I was just checking the weather." He got up and slipped past her. "Well, smell ya later, dweeb. I've got to go do something more constructive than standing around being falsely accused of writing lame parodies of bad yaoi fanfiction. Like, why would I even waste my time doing that? Sheesh. It's so beneath me."

Gwen bristled in silence. She stared at the offensive story link, sitting right above her own newly posted work. It already had several reviews from her many friends telling her to stay strong in the face of such immaturity, and that the writer was an obvious homophobe who lacked creativity and probably never even watched the show and simply had a bone to pick with all the smarter individuals out there they were totally jealous of the skills of. Gwen's fist unclenched.

"They're right. This isn't worth my time," she sighed.

Her eyes fell upon a new post. She gasped in delight.

"Oh my GOSH! xXMutantMayhemXx finally updated their story! They haven't been around for seven months!" Gwen yelled.

She cried out in joy and hugged the laptop to her chest. All her previous rage subsequently vanished. Now she would finally be able to read the further steamy tales of passion between Kenko and his impossibly handsome right hand man-beast, King Byakko.

"THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" She ran to her room and locked the door.

(Meanwhile)

Outside the house, Ben's form turned into a mass of muddy purple and reformed back into a familiar mischievous figure.

Lucy snorted out an obnoxious giggle. "Gets her every time!"

* * *

Alternative Alternative Epilogue No. 2...

Doctor Animo sat back in his seat and observed the predicted influx of comments as the minutes since his newest upload passed. An endless flood of praise gushed before him and his latest piece of Sumo Slammers erotic fiction. He reveled in it.

"Ah, not bad, if I do say so myself," he said. "At least some people out there can recognize my GENIUS!"

The End


End file.
